Contrary to popular belief- I don’t believe we must wait to share from the scar and not the wound.
In fact, I actually think this perpetuates a world where we are all putting on a show for one another when really, we ache in a million different ways that we’ll never know we share because we are told to wait until we heal to speak.
That’s a big no from me.
We don’t need to wait to search for connection or tell our truths until we feel wiser or far enough from it to be able to speak with an “appropriate” level of emotion. We get to decide what feels right.
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Bianca: [00:00:00] Okay, so I had another plan for this week's episode, but something more important came up and I realized during this event
that one of the most important things that's been holding me. And possibly a shit ton of others. is this blanketed feeling of shame for following your heart in ways that you don't realize you're shaming yourself. And I'm saying that because I found myself. [00:01:00] Attempting to filter my natural instinct, which is what I talk about not doing.
I talk about respecting your impulse and taking a photo of what you wanna take a photo of, and that's what I was doing. But where my baggage or where my hesitancy, whatever you wanna call it, came in is when I went to.
So I sit very firmly and intuitively and fluidly in my life. In the times in which I decide I want to take a photo or, um, you know, feeling out the energy of like, even if I want to. Sometimes I just feel like it's not the time. Like if my partner is like really stressed and uh, usually I, he's fine with whatever.
Actually he's always fine with whatever. But [00:02:00] I dunno, I'm just very comfortable and at peace with how I navigate taking photos during, um, All the time, but especially during really sensitive times. And we just had a really, really, really, really, really scary, um, thing happen with my two-year-old. Uh, we were admitted into the hospital, we went to the emergency room, and then we were transported by ambulance, um, for a multi-day, uh, hospital stay.
Um, in the step down level of the I C U. It was just, it was. Frigging scary and horrible. And anyway, let me get to the point here. So I was lying in bed with him and he's hooked up to all these machines and I was just thinking about how re, how happy I was that I trusted my instinct and how surprised I [00:03:00] was that I was right.
And how. And I was so grateful for this woman, Shannon Tripp. Um, I had bought her mastering medical emergencies. Uh, course she was a pediatric ER nurse and she had created this course with just like the most common thing she's seen when to worry, when to not, and she always reinforced trust your gut over anything.
It just, I feel like she is a very safe place to land instead of going to scary ass Google and the whole thing. And anyway, so I wanted to post, uh, sharing her so that any other moms, um, that are navigating tricky times or are nervous around medical things, uh, can check her out. And then after I did that, I felt this feeling.
Oh, does that, is that weird that I just posted a picture, you know, while I'm [00:04:00] still in the hospital like I was here and then I realized it's that fucking quote that I've never agreed with. It always rubbed me the wrong way always. And I, I cognitively get it and I find value in it, but I, to be honest with you, I think I find more harm in it than I do.
Good. And here's, here's where I'm at with this. Share from the scar, not the wound.
I understand it from the perspective logically of like teaching or if you are going to, I don't even know. I find hard time saying anything about this really. Uh. You know, making proclamations from a place where you don't feel like you have enough distance that you can speak clearly to it. Um, I think this is mostly framed in, in the guiding of others, especially if you are, um, claiming, [00:05:00] uh, leadership in some way.
Like I can see why that can be harmful, but what I think is more harmful is making people feel like it's not okay. To share until they figured it out, until they healed. There are so many things that it will, would take a lifetime of healing or will never heal. And I think that this idea that we are cheapening or it's kind of the same thing I feel about photos, how people vilify the photo taking during sacred moments, when really it can be something that makes you feel so much more, Creation with or in engagement with a moment that feels so important.
I feel the same about this. It's like, especially when you're creating from a wound, from the fleshiness, from the what the fuck is happening, like, oh [00:06:00] God, it was really, really scary what was happening and.
It was like the second time in my life, the first time being when I lost my dog and he just collapsed and that was it. It was the feeling of I can't escape this. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing I can do to make myself feel better. There is nothing I can do to, I, I just. I wanted to escape out of my body and be somewhere else, but it couldn't be anywhere else.
I kept feeling like it was gonna faint. It was the worst feeling ever having my kid burning up and like go from one minute, like laughing and being fine to the next, like burning up and being prodded and having tubes all over him and just yelling, mommy, mommy, mommy. And I couldn't do anything to stop what was happening and I didn't know.
Was going [00:07:00] to happen and you know, during that time I took a few pictures just quickly just cuz that's my way of processing and who I don't care, whoever thought anything of it, because that's my sacred space is my relationship with. What's happening right now, how I am digesting it through this and how I'm honoring it through this.
Um, because that's my language, that's my processing. And you know, if someone wants to look at me taking pictures of my son being loaded onto an ambulance, and think something of me, then that's fine. They're entitled to whatever they feel about that, but it's. It's my journey to own. And in the same way that I feel so steadfast and so deeply secure in my [00:08:00] photo practice, um, it's why I, so I feel so passionately that I like to speak of it because maybe you have the impulse or the gut to do that, but you feel like this layer of shame or pause or whatever, based on who the hell knows.
Societal norms or whatever. Um, but I was feeling that same pressure that I feel immune to in my photo practice, but I was feeling it in my sharing. And I think that a big part of the harm in that is,
it's unintentionally. Adding to this narrative of not enoughness and not valid and, um, perfectionism in that like, okay, I need to have my shit together before I share this with others. I think that if you're sharing [00:09:00] anything, if you feel like it's helpful to show. In this raw, vulnerable state to you and that it feels good and right, and it's not performative and it's not, it just feels like this, I, this feels important and I want to do this.
There's nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with showing up in this fleshy situation if that's what feels right to you. Like my, um, my membership nostalgia now. , uh, there is, every month there's an intention and that we, we go into the month with just this, this mantra, this intention, this lens in which we keep in the back of our mind to go through the month with and feel through and during our, uh, like four or five days at the hospital, we had this hotel room that we didn't [00:10:00] sleep at, but I, we were going to like shower.
and just like walk away for, you know, an hour and a half at a time and take turns. And I had gone to the shower. I was so sore cuz I was sleeping in the crib for days and I needed like really hot water, like on my back, on my neck. And I was in the shower and I started processing outside of the city, like above the situation.
I was like thinking about what everything meant from. From the perspective of like me feeling like the one time I picked up my phone, cuz I felt like this is so important, I wanna share this, and then I just say, Ooh, am I gonna look like a mom? That's like whatever. And I'm like, what the fuck? I don't even think that.
I don't, I've never looked at someone sharing something and thought like, oh, are you really on your phone right now? Or you were never like, why am I afraid of other people thinking that of me? If that's what they're thinking of, that rather than gaining [00:11:00] value from it. Fuck off, . I'm sorry. I was trying to, I was trying to have a more elevated like, um, wholesome way to say it, but fuck off.
Or not even fuck off really? I mean, fuck off. Yes, because it makes me angry in a little bit, but , my higher self would say, that's just your experience right now. That's just where you are in life at that moment. Like that's what you think about that. I'm sure there are plenty of things that I place judgment on in the past or even now that I don't even realize is not something that I wanna maintain, whatever.
That's another conversation anyway. Um, point being, so after my shower I was like, this is so right. This is what I wanted to carry through the rest of the month. I feel like this is so important and so aligned with like all of the members of this, of this group and. So then I went to sit down and I'm like, Ugh, is this weird that I'm like sharing this?
For the [00:12:00] membership, it wasn't about my son, but it doesn't matter. But it was for this month, the mantra is , I must go first. And it's all about finding all of the ways in our life, the micro and macro of all of the ways that we're not making compromises in standing firm and , I'm not seeming an example of what I truly want and what I truly need and what I truly want to have and thrive with in this world.
So I have to go first so that others can have permission to do the same and so that I can have the experience that I truly want for myself. So I went on live in, in our Facebook group and I was like speaking this, and after I was done, I was like, oh, I wonder if that's weird. I went to the hotel room to take a shower and instead of like rushing back, I stopped to talk to the group and I'm like, no, this is what I need.
I need this, and this is helping me process the situation. And it's, [00:13:00] it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, right? And that's why, I ended up sharing more about taking sad photos because I, I, it makes me upset to think. Sometimes people hold themselves back from taking photographs of moments that aren't something that you think you wanna remember.
I mean, it really feels like a nightmare. But what happens during that time? The growth and the learnings and just the transformation that occurs in the humans and in the relationships. Having visual markers for that and breadcrumbs to go back and help you process it when you have more capacity to do so is invaluable.
And I will also say that that's not to say that you must photograph that either. I really don't believe. I believe it's so personal and I believe like [00:14:00] yes, it could be forced and it could be not the right thing for you, or it could be exactly the thing you need. There is no right or wrong answer to. But I'm here to open the space and open this conversation and I'm going first and sharing this so that you can name it.
If you're like, oh yeah, that's what I've been feeling, because there is so much power in being able to diagnose that invisible feeling of shame that you couldn't really name. I didn't realize I was even carrying that with me until I started posting and sharing. So like, now you know, we're home and
Silas is doing better. He's still wheezing. And Ben went downstairs to work out because he [00:15:00] just needed, that's his way of processing. He needed to work out and I'm. Thinking about some of the photographs I took on our last day at the hospital, and they're so important to me and I wanna linger in them and I wanna edit them.
And I found myself again being like, huh,
I wonder what people might think about me posting these photographs from my son's hospital's day. And I'm like, you know what? I don't care. I'm more concerned. Doing this for myself and being the example of showing the power of what utilizing this visual language can be like. I wanna share my experience with how this medium
really helps me live a better. A more fulfilling, a more conscious, a more intentional life,
and there's nothing more authentic [00:16:00] than I could do
and waiting and not posting and trying to wait until it feels more palatable. It's just perpetuating this narrative of when it is or is not acceptable. To do something. There are no rules. There is no right way to do anything. There's no right way to feel your feelings to process. It's only your way, and I really wanna be a stand for that for you and for myself.
There is nothing wrong. With creating in the wound and sharing in the wound, if that's your truth, if that feels right and good to you,
I really feel like it gives permission to others to process in a way [00:17:00] that is deeply them and not. The wise, um, elevated, uh, you know, from a place of closure or a place of, just all of the reasons why we can feel like what we have to say isn't good enough or isn't going to be understood or accepted.
I'm just so over. And this last scary week really clearly, there's like a line in the sand now. There's like a before and an after this, and everything feels so much more peaceful and clear to me in like this work and talking about this deeply personal medium that we all have access.[00:18:00]
And none of these, and also none of the photographs I took were on my camera in the hospital. It was all on my phone, and I don't have any qualms about it either. You know
what comes up for you in this episode? Like. Did you feel like you be honest with yourself? Did you feel like really, you were taking pictures in the hospital? Were you like, yes, I can see why you did that. And as you're noticing how you're responding to that, get curious about your own response and
meander through your own experiences. Maybe contemplate how aligned you are with what you truly want to be doing[00:19:00]
in the way that you're processing, sharing, creating, whatever, going about your life. That's why I've had such a hard time deciding like, oh, am I speaking to, you know, Photographers am I speaking to? Uh, you know, not photographers. It doesn't matter. We're all artists of our lives, and we all deserve to take the onus on ourselves in every aspect of what we're doing and to make it more us and to feel more fully expressed and to be the.
For what we want to do and be an experience in our lives. And, um, in this corner of the interwebs or the podcast realm or wherever it is that you're finding me on the socials, um,[00:20:00]
I love opening up the conversation to whatever feels like home for.
I think that sometimes we find our homes in different parts of our crafts or our lives, and it feels like this little hidden gem and this nestled little corner somewhere where it's like our respite, but , what happens when we start to open that up? And to not just feel like, oh, my little glowy, golden orb of a home in my, in my craft.
Like for me in my photo work, when I'm in a photo shoot, I am in my heaven like I am, feels like I'm on drugs. in the best way , everyone's like, oh gosh. Family photographer. I don't know [00:21:00] if I want you around my children. You feel like you're on drugs? No. I just feel like I can see everything. I see everything I see.
I see this family through my camera, but it looks like a home video to me, and I'm looking at them through their eyes. 20 years from now, and there's so much to it and I love it so much. And so when I'm in my life, it's harder to access that because there's so much more noise that I have around my own life.
I'm sure you can understand and um, but when those moments, when that invisible camera comes over my face and I notice. And I'm present to my own life in that way. Taking photographs is my way of processing. That is my way of saving that and lingering [00:22:00] in that world and soaking up everything I want to learn and take with me.
Moving forward through this medium and it doesn't matter if they're beautiful photographs. Um, sure. Whatever photographs you take, I guarantee I can, you know, if your desire is to make them more visually appealing, I guarantee a million people can help you with that. I can help you with that. It doesn't matter what, the photographs aren't the point.
They are hugely beneficial and. Love them, and I'm not discounting them, but really what we're talking about here is your impulse and your feeling and your instinct to engage in the presence of your life, in the power to respond to something that feels real to you.
And then after you do, You have the breadcrumb, you have the calling card to [00:23:00] access that and contemplate it from all different parts of your own growth, all different eyes that you have through the years to see it differently and deeper.
So right now, for instance, after I get stop recording myself talking to myself in my basement, I am going to edit some of the photos that I. In the hospital because I love them and they feel so important to me, and I don't care that I look like shit. And yeah, it's really sad to look at my baby like that.
But what happened in that hospital for me was very important. It showed me to trust myself in my mothering just as much as I trust myself as a photographer.[00:24:00]
It showed me how stupid it is to be so concerned
with other people not understanding because guess what? , whoever didn't understand, probably moved on with their day and it's fine. But the people that did understand. God, I'm really gonna get emotional now. Like the messages that I got, geez, , the, the messages that I got. People that just were showing love and concern and the people sharing some like super personal stories of their experience in photographing times.
That were scary and not what you would typically hear about or see [00:25:00] photographs of. It gave me new life. It gave me new, stronger conviction about this conversation, and the importance of it is so important.
You know, if I didn't have these pictures of this hospital stay,
I obviously wouldn't forget it.
It was such a scary, important, visceral experience that having no evidence of it, no visual evidence of it feels, um, would feel so disorienting to me. Like, what? There's nothing that I can see, like that was so huge. And now, like even last night we were laying on the [00:26:00] couch and I was like, isn't this so weird?
Like for the last five days our life was beeping in monitors and tubes and now, and like me sleeping in a medical crib and I'm like, and now we're just sitting on the couch. It's so fucking weird.
And I can go back and look at those photographs and like revisit that time. See myself and feel myself in that
and reacquaint myself with my learnings and my understandings and what happened there,
and then move forward more powerfully.
You know, I actually, I was just listening to, um, a beautiful conversation between one of my mentors,
Bianca: and the Empower her, uh, podcast host, Keisha. I can't pronounce her last name. And I locked myself out of Instagram, so I will, I'll link her podcast here too.
Um, But she was just having a conversation and she referenced how she doesn't batch record her podcast, and I don't either at all. As you see, this is late this week, . Um, and it's funny because I hadn't had the ability to articulate. Exactly why I was doing it like that. But I just knew that I didn't want to, I wanted to stay very current and like very top of heart and mind like week to week with what's going on with me and what conversations are like closest to me.
And she described it, um, so well, she said something about she wanted to maintain that connective tissue with like what's really happening with her. And that's exactly what I feel like when a podcast like [00:28:00] this goes out. I want it to. Oh no, that was like last month. I don't, not that there's anything wrong with that.
I don't feel like there's anything wrong with that, but for me personally, I want to feel like, yes, whatever just posted, that's exactly what's happening right now. And, um, that connective tissue, uh, phrase really stuck with me because that's how I feel about having photographic evidence, photographic proof, photographic poetry of like past events in my.
or even non-events like the Mundaneness of my life because it keeps that connective tissue for me. That's what it is. I feel more connected to these pivotal moments in my life, and when I say pivotal, I don't just mean huge moments, even the little ones. Even me sitting having coffee by myself, taking a mo, a photograph that represents something to me there.[00:29:00]
The connective tissue that I'm able to keep with myself through this visual journal of my snapshots of my life and my work. That's what it is. Um, so I'm really grateful to be given that language around that. Um, the connective tissue, I'll probably keep using that . It feels so right. It feels so right. Um, anyway.
I think that's it for today. Uh, I'm trying to decide if I will or will not tack on the, you know what, maybe I will. Hmm, maybe I won't. My last podcast episode that I wanted to share, um, that was gonna go out, that I recorded that day before all of this happened.
It's so interesting [00:30:00] because that podcast episode was about me, um,
having these alarms set on my phone. It's a new thing that I'm doing, and when they go off, my task is to just remind myself to sync into present, stop everything I'm doing and look at something for two minutes and.
You know what? I will tack it onto this. I feel like it's solidifying, too, solidifying, um, this conversation even more. Uh, and it wasn't a traumatic event. It was just me looking out the window to snow and it felt so groundbreaking to me. And this was right before all of the shit hit the fan. Sorry. anyway.
Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna link that here and just tack it on to the [00:31:00] end of this, so hopefully, uh, that's helpful contextually for you as well. So what I'm about to add to the end of this is . What happened right before all of this stuff happened with the hospitals and everything like that?
It's just so crazy. Life is so crazy. How important something can be in a moment and then how unimportant it is and then how
our normals can change like in an instant. And it really tell, shows us how important it is to savor. To really like sink our teeth into whatever it is that's happening, even if it feels boring and painful and terrible and not exciting.
And I believe one of the most [00:32:00] natural ways of doing that can be taking a snapshot with your phone, taking a.
Okay, that's it for for me today. I'm gonna drink more coffee. I'm gonna edit some of these photos, and then I'm gonna pick my son up. I haven't seen my four year old in
what, five days. Oh my gosh. I miss him a lot. And my dog, I miss him a lot. So I'm gonna go see those boogers and.
That's it. If
you feel inspired to share anything to me from this episode, uh, feel free to send me a dm. Um, I'm feeling very tender, , [00:33:00] feeling very tender around all of the messages that I've gotten and. I feel so humbled to have been able to hear a few personal stories with those of you that have shared your experience with this more intimate form of photo taking and, um, just filled with gratitude and.
Up just fired up about this conversation. So that is it for now. I will let you go. Uh, until next time, have a beautiful week.