I went to a retreat and came back with a realization & also apparently covid.
Last week I missed my first week of posting a podcast episode in 62 weeks...listen in to hear what happened because of it.
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Hello, hello and welcome to another episode of Help Me See. So I don't know if you noticed if you're an avid listener, but I missed my first episode in, how many episodes have I done? I have done this every single week for 62 weeks, so, This is gonna be the 63rd episode, and it's the first one I missed. And do you know, wanna know what happens after breaking that 62 week stint? Absolutely fucking nothing. absolutely nothing. And I missed it because, not that I need an excuse, but. I missed it because I got C for the first time over Thanksgiving weekend and it fucking sucked. And I'm a very, I'm an all or nothing person. I don't know if any of you can relate, but I'm an all or nothing person in that I'm either fully, fully in or like fully out. I either care so deeply. I can vomit or I don't care at all. I dunno. And when I say don't care at all, it's like if I, I can't even, I can't read about something that I don't care about. I do not, my, my brain rejects it. Will not take it in will not. I think this is a big reason why I've been felt so repelled to like, learning more technical sides of things. Like if, if, if it doesn't, if I don't see the through line between what I'm going to learn about and the possibilities that I envision for it in the future, I sh I shut it down. I can't, I don't know why. But anyway, all that to say, I was really freaked out about missing a week because when I break a streak of something, I just totally fall off and I was like, I wonder if this will be the end of it. Kind of like, not really, but kind of. That's what I was thinking. I, I even thought about recording an episode. I still sound like shit and I feel so much better and even then I. Should I just record something? Should I tell them I have covid? Should I just like talk about it? And I'm like, my brain isn't even working. I don't have the energy to talk. Why would I force that? Sorry. So I decided not to, and then when this week rolled around again and I'm like, it's time to record. And like of course I don't feel like, well, what's the. because this really matters to me. It's really important for me to hit record and talk about shit that I think is really important. You know, I do, I have the honor of having a handful of people that I feel close enough with to be able to talk to, really talk to. But you know, there's a part of me sometimes. I don't know how to say it. It's almost like I don't feel, I feel like I don't have the energy, to connect sometimes in the way that I really, really want to. So coming on here and kind of talking to you, but not having to, what's the word? I don't know, like, not for me to not feel the pressure of, oh. I, I don't wanna burden this person or, you know, am I, you know, all the empath stuff. All the empath baggage of like considering another person when I'm talking about something that I really wanna talk about. I don't have that because I'm talking to myself in this moment, . So, I don't really have to worry about annoying myself. That's just a constant and . So anyway, I, yeah. I'm not in danger of falling off the bandwagon for this. And if I was, it would mean that I shouldn't be doing it , right. Because we shouldn't force ourself to do stuff that we don't wanna do. I mean, listen, there's a, there's. Grain of salt in everything, right? Like working out is really good for us. , you know, if you don't enjoy it, maybe find, find a version of that that feels. that feels like you. That is something you don't dread, you know? So I think that there's opportunity to find our way and our place and our space for everything in life. You know, I even recently came across someone, I don't know her at all, but her name is Lunch Lady Lou and I signed up for her mailing list because. As far as I can tell, so far, she gives like beautiful suggestions for how to like, create like food and dishes that are just you, like easy. It doesn't have to look like working from a recipe. It doesn't have to look like, a certain, a certain way. And you know, I'm someone that doesn't take great joy in cooking and I was inspired by that. I love anyone that is saying. You know this thing that everyone thinks we have to do it this way, fuck that. No. If you would just get quiet enough to listen to yourself, you'd realize that you can do it a way, that's your way. That would feel way better the more I listen to myself talk out loud right now. I'm really hoping this isn't super annoying for you, but, hey, you always have the option to hit pause, . Mm. So how did I get C after three years of not getting it? ? I don't know. Well, I went on a little trip, so I had been in a mastermind for like seven months. With one of my mentors, Amber Tro, and she is a magnificent soul, and she was hosting a retreat in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. So I decided to go and meet these women that I have, you know, been. Talking to you for this long, but never met in person. And it was beautiful. And it was, it was a decently small, retreat. There was only like 30 something people, which was amazing. And I don't know, I don't know when I got it, but the day after I got home, I, or the day after that, whatever it was, I felt like absolute hell, and that's what it was. So I was in quarantine for Thanksgiving week and I didn't do Thanksgiving and I was in my room for five days and three of those days I was completely laid out. I was just binge watching. Documentaries when I could, but other than that, I was sleeping. And then the last two days straight, the full two days, I don't know what came over me, but I completely redid my website, And if you're gonna look on that note, if you're gonna look at my website, please do so on desktop because the website builder. I always forget that you have to completely design it also on mobile separately. It doesn't just automatically adapt for mobile and holy hell, I don't, I don't think I adjusted all of the mobile, but I didn't have anything left to give by the end of it. So if you're looking at it on mobile and something looks like scrambled eggs, that's why. Anyway, not important, not the point. But it felt really good to. Have this uninterrupted, like forced time of focus. I'm pretty sure I have ADHD or something because the times where I'm able to put in the most amount of work and that are focused is when I'm literally. Confined and cannot leave, like plane rides. I do really well working on planes like I created my course. That's almost done. The bigger picture, your bigger picture, that was created, a lot of it on the plane and I'm not finished with it because I have not been on a plane since. And that means that , I get really distracted and I have a lot of other stuff going on. you know, so I'm still working on that. Anyway, that will be done soon. But this time of focused work really enabled me to sit with myself and help my website feel a little bit more clear around everything that I'm working on right now and the world that I'm in, and. Yeah, just my photo commission offerings, and also my education, and mentoring. And I've struggled quite a bit with feeling like, like I'm not clear. I have this weird thing where I feel like no one understands, yet everyone understands like. It's so annoying. It's so annoying. I, I just sit there and in all of these like coaching programs I'm in and I talk about like how, I just feel like I can't articulate myself and yet every single time I'm talking to someone, they look at me and they say, I understand what you're saying. So this weekend on this gorgeous like business life soul retreat that I was at. I think my biggest takeaway was just feeling like I am so deeply over feeling like there's something wrong with me. There's something deeply innately wrong with me. I'm over it. I'm done. Like I know that it's not something that is like poof, magically gone, and I will walk on water for the rest of my life. Maybe it was also the covid, maybe it was like divine timing that I got covid as well. So I physically didn't have any energy left to give either. But, I just don't have the energy anymore to like second guess myself. It's really, really, really interesting because in my work, like when I'm shooting, when I'm in a session, when I'm photographing anything, I feel like invincible. I feel. Everything is perfect and it's fine, and it doesn't matter what happens. It's all perfect, and that's why I'm creating this course is because I believe that photographers have such a special heart. And even though I've spent so much time placing emphasis, in my education around, this idea of thinking about your photographic practice and this meaning in a different way for everyone, not just photographers, just the everyday person, to be inspired to like recognize how you are an artist in your life and your life is art. I decided that. It's really important for me to help empower other photographers, that have this feeling of discontent, feeling like there's a gap between what they're making and what they know to be true and what is important to them, and to really work through that. It's so ironic because I recognize that that's how I'm behaving in my life. Like outside of like holding a camera in my hands. Isn't that so crazy? ? Oh my God, the self-help world's a bitch. I just feel like everything I know to be true in my work, in my craft. I just need to apply it to everything else I do in my life. And it's hard. It's hard. It's really, really hard sometimes, but I don't have the energy to entertain the fact that it's hard, if that makes sense. Like in my mothering, in my, You know, the way I show up, in marketing and making, you know, telling people about my offerings, like I don't have the energy to play small anymore. I don't have the energy to like wonder if someone's not understanding me because if they're not understanding me, it's not for them. And that's perfectly fine. , right? It's perfectly fine. I walked away from that retreat with this feeling of peace really, of just like, I'm done. I'm done thinking there's something wrong with me. I'm done obsessing, stalling. I'm just gonna go and put stuff into the world that I know is really fucking important, and I'm not gonna act like I, I doubt it cause I don. Have you ever been in your life and felt like I should be freaked out about this, but I'm not. I used to feel like that when I had my full-time job, and people would get really worried over like company meetings or like feeling like something was gonna happen. I just never really gave a shit. I cared about my work and my job, and I liked the company, but like I didn't have a fear around that. I also felt like that when I was, when I was investing in the largest, container, coaching container that I've invested in yet. It was a lot. And my partner, he's really, really, really, really supportive. And even for. He was like looking like a ghost and asking me if this is something that really needed to happen and which is so, and it was startling for me, honestly, to hear him say that even though he totally was fully in his right to do so. I'm not at all vilifying him for that, that, but it was funny because I felt. On paper. This is like a horrifying decision. , like, it was a, it was really a huge investment, but I had, I sat with myself and I thought, I'm thinking that I should be scared, but I'm not, because I know I need to do this. Not, not even need to like, from a disempowered tense standpoint, but like, I'm choosing this, like my heart and my soul is so resonating with this offer right now that for me, it would be far scarier from an emotional standpoint and from a like self love standpoint to say no to myself instead of versus the fear of. If that makes sense. I don't know. It may sounds crazy, but that's really how I felt. And I, I was like, I get why he's scared and, but I'm not scared and I feel like I should be scared. Have you ever had a moment like that? Yeah. So anyway, that's kind of what I thought about when I was thinking journaling and in this retreat, And just coming to a place of acceptance really in myself, and in the work that I'm doing. You ever get to a place where you're just like so tired of your own shit? Like, I'm just so tired of it. I'm tired. This is what I told my friend. I was like, I'm just so tired of making things a thing that don't need to be a. Right. I, I mean, what is, what in your life are you just like, I'm exhausted by this and I'm gonna choose to not be exhausted by this anymore. It is or it isn't, or, I'm going to do it my way and that's it. When I had Covid, I also had to cancel, a week of work, which really, really, really sucked. In going to Atlanta and normally having to do that would send me over the edge. I would just be sick or like figuring out like, oh, but maybe I could go for three days even if I can't go for the full five or what. But I didn't even have the physical energy and therefore the mental energy to let myself freak out. And I was like, huh, isn't that interest? Isn't it interesting that this is a classic scenario where Bianca would feel sick to her stomach? But I don't have the energy to give, so I just am not. Isn't that interesting that we have that power, but for some reason we feel like we can only pick up that wand when we're on our fucking deathbeds, like sick or ill or like something else, is making everything else pale in comparison. But we have that power all of the time. All of the time. All of the time. I have goose ups right now. I don't, why am I giving myself goosebumps? Maybe I'm delirious from this illness. We have the power to decide what we put our energy into. And I'm not saying anything new, but I'm saying it for the first time from like a place where I actually really am living from that spot and I plan to be in the. Not in sporadic areas, but like 100% fully in everything I'm doing. So I don't know. I didn't have a plan when I hit record know how we've gotten to this point. I really just hit record being like, let me just update you on where I've been, for the last week. And this just felt important. It felt important to talk. You know, I think it's also important to say that even though I canceled, that work week, I also had to, there was a shoot, a family shoot that I had. It was supposed to be that day, you know, soon. And I didn't cancel that. because I knew that the, the son, I mean, it was after quarantine and I knew the kids were going, back, like out of town. So it wasn't like I could reschedule it for them. And I knew it was well within my , obviously my right to be like, I'm not, I can't do this right now, but I was feeling human enough and I'm like, you know what? And they are, they're like really close, family, friends. And I was like, okay, I mean, I'm out of quarantine, I'm gonna do this. And it was really interesting to show up to that session coming out of like a fog and of being ill. And it was like rainy and cold and everyone was like bundled up in coats and it was totally not like many of my sessions. It was unlike that. And just feeling this feeling of, and even now, I am still creating the work that's me. And even now it's all okay. It was like not ideal. It wasn't ideal. Anything and even then it all turned out fine. I don't know. I feel like the universe is like kind of sending me through like a bootcamp, like an obstacle course of sorts of like, but can you apply your awareness here, but can you apply your knowledge here, ? I'm like, can I be done jumping through hoops for a little bit? Can I just chill with my coffee please? Ugh. That's it. And I don't know, I had a plan to, you know what, I think I'll do this next week as a, rain check. I really wanted to talk about weaponizing gratitude, for Thanksgiving week, but we do that all year round, so I could just talk about it next week. I, you know what? I think that's it. I think I'm winding down here. I really, really need to blow my nose and I'm getting more and more congested as the minute tick on. I thank you for listening to this, to this rant and, I hope that it's helpful. I hope. Whatever was coming up for you as I was talking, don't glaze over it, Just sit there and look at it. One time I listened to a meditation that the title was so beautiful. It was called Look And You Shall And It Shall Lift Look. And It Shall Lift. And it was by Sarah Blondin, on Insight Timer. Oh, fun fact. I started an account on Insight Timer and. Playing around with, interactive, like active meditations, with looking at photographs. It's very, it's brand new. I think I only have two or three things up there, but if you are interested, you can look me up on Insight timer. I don't know what my, I mean, I'm sure it's just my name, but anyway, looking at it, shell lift, I think oftentimes. When we don't have super acute pain, when something is dull, we tend to ignore it and say, well, it's fine. It's fine. It's not worth putting the energy over. But I don't think, I think over time that builds so much that it either becomes acute or it can dampen so much of your life. So if there's something that kept coming up for you as I was talking, whatever it was, just look. , is there a way that it can stop sucking up so much of your attention? Is there a way that you can move differently with that? Is there a way that you can just, even if it's just acknowledging it, maybe you journal on it or just write the thought, just kind of giving it a little bit of light might help air it out A. But I don't know. What do I know? ? Oh man. Okay, well I will leave you with that, in the show notes if you're interested in, in my course for photographic artists, that is coming out very, very soon. And you wanna just, stay updated and in the know about the information. When I send it in the email, get on my email list, I will put the wait list link at in the show notes, and. Also, if you are not a photographic artist, if you are anyone and you have a sentimental sensitive heart and you are a meeting maker and an intentional soul, and you would like to join a monthly membership where we get together and reflect on the month that we've had and create and have an adult show and tell, and a space to just be. And create a visual memoir in your now. Then check out nostalgia. Now it is my monthly membership and one of my favorite things in the world, and I will put that link in the show notes as well. Okay? Have a beautiful rest of your week and I will catch you next week.