I was the wreck.
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a start of okay can yeah miles put this on the cover devil he looks he looks way bigger than he is on video okay i guess that is looks oh i my body yeah yeah i like we're going to be on a reality show with this never when one's ear and get any one to the youtubebot but if they happen to find it they'll have this entertaining piece of cinema no oh i oh ah no he really loves the tagus heart the fakest part of this podcast that i've ever done in all what fifty two episodes will be the fact that i'm folding will agree with you right now you're goin full what am i going to do just say here like a as you fold feel like when you do something with our hands other than just sit here with a camera on us maybe we shouldn't i don't know yes typically ben is better laundry folder when i say better i mean the only laundry folder have the attention span for it makes me want to rip my face off so today's episode is about the fact that i left my family for two weeks what happened what happened so to set it up i had an opportunity for contracting gig at a studio for two weeks um in atlanta and i decided to go for it even though i had never been away from the kids for more than i don't even know silas probably ever and then casus like a day or two so this was definitely a big big thing but i thought even though i knew i would miss them obviously i thought that i would be ere you're really going to refold in front of the camera that old thing you did had to do now oh my god this podcast episode may be the end of our relationship so i i thought of course i'm going to miss them and it's going to be really hard but i also thought oh my gosh all this peace and quiet that i've been craving i'm gonna get so much done come home from work i'm going to be able to like work on my new course and blah blah blah blah blah is this okay is this been approved folding you don't have to form anyway the plot twist is i was walking around like a nervous wreck i had anxiety attacks that made me vomit repeatedly i was like a squirrel just roaming around the house with my heart beating not really able to get much done um but really what this is more about is your experience and what happened in the household in my absence and what what surprised you about it what was easier than you thought what was harder than you thought m did you think before i left was terrified before you left hardest part really it was just yeah making sure just the anxiety of going to sleep every night waiting cash is lately in a race with the sun every morning and i would sleep with all the blinds open in the room so that you slept lighter yes and so the sun would come up like in the window and then i sleep with the door open in the bedroom and does one of two things when he wakes up either there uh runs into silas's room wake him up he comes down i guess one of three things here he comes downstairs starts moving furniture to climb up into the pantry to get food or runs out of the house which is horrifying so the background on this part is that i'm usually the one up with the kids for a few hours before for ben wink usually ben sleeps like let pipe i wake up she's the morning person early i'm the morning person because i have to be not because i want to be you're going to get through on for five o'clock yes i sent my room for five o'clock so that i have some alone time and i still don't get it today i was trying to ensure some peace of mind and have a little bit of zen in my morning and casus woke up two minutes after i woke up so that was pretty devastating but the point is sometimes when you come down usually and i look at you like i'm about to lose my mind because i've been up for three and a half hours and you know i just feel a little bit validated in yeah it's leads me on the next thing is it was really nice in my goal which i was very proud to have achieved the nobody in this house even fardet unless i said it was time to oh was militant they're scheduling nother minute and it made everything so much so much easier just getting them on like a super solid routine before um m the kids get their jammes and stuff on that would get cashes all his clothes snacks and stuff ready the night before you would take him to pre school and the details well it was just like a t's just that's what helped and then so as soon as you woke up in the morning no matter what kind of rush state i was in what he was doing all of his clothes and stuff are ready to go and i would just as soon as he was up throw him on him get him ready and then if silas was a wake or not go get silas and then him to care just as early as possible give them both snacks in the car so that they're not freaking out and so silas especially as he's freaking out and then part of his breakfast is already taken care of and then by the time we got home it was just finishing silas's breakfast and the our schedule silas nap around eleven o'clock and then when he wake up i would make his lunch take him down stairs and i would work out while he would eat his lunch in his pack employ and then and then after that then cleaning lever it s time to go to cash and then schedul continue from their but that was greatest i stress alleviation i was just getting them because i got to a point there was a few notes work she put himself to bed silas was putting himself to bed essentially and it was like a is well it's interesting though because it's not like i'm anti schedule and i fight against the schedule it's just that when especially with both of our jobs being worked from home and like flexible to a degree have to just those in different directions yeah yes also since i've been home trying to follow in that schedule hasn't worked out swimmingly as swimmingly as it did for you because yeah i was i think found way easier than i was some reason like if i didn't appreciate or anticipate but there's there's one morning cashes was having a melt down four it's cool and face time do you and everything got like ten times worse and that's something i've noticed since you be back is like the for some reason like emotions are just like so elevated like it does make it harder for that implementation of the schedule i'm not sure what the solution is but kind of just seems to be the reality of it i mean even this morning at five m he does that every other day think not went to war a few mornings and yeah yeah yeah ah by the time he gets in the car be fine what was he so the most surprising part of solo parenting was much easier it was on a schedule um m yeah like some things were things were easier more things were harder just by the fact that i was literally dripping sweat every single night by the time they were in bed and it's like just having to like just account for both of them at the same time like sir silas is in position where he can't hurt himself well trying to get cases all scary part yeah yeah trying to like you know bath time and stuff making sure nobody's in a situation that's dangerous it was easier keeping up with the dishes and stuff so because i don't really cook like you do and i was able to clean as job is doing whatever and then it also was helped a lot i got really lucky because my work and down time right now the game i was working on a shipping in a couple of days and so i'm just kind of pulse the stuff and reflections and you know ideas for pipe line fixes for the next next year production and there's nothing really to do work wise so my schedule is like totally open i would have been a very different experience if i actually had like a ton of work to do that kind of stuff essential feel a good stay at home dad so what i'm hearing is i should go away more often no it's easier if i not think isn't easier is when like cacus is crying because he miss his mammy and then telling me that mommy ran away and like stuff like that is brutal like making sure like everyone had a chance to talk to mammy and everyone had a fair like they had enough communication with her throughout the day was like a huge part of our schedule and it was just you know with the absence of like net downs h h i like huge gap an our it was just you know you feel like something big part of like like dana mich oh oh but the men overall and found it actually extremely rewarding and really nice like just to have that time with me and the kids i don't get that ever it's really different how different everyone is when one energy is missing it was nice to dad is here for a week and he helped to terms of like i wouldn't have to worry about keeping i want the other kid it was nice i'm going to see left to as like the boys made it sit down and sit down with your mother eating dinner and we talked the day and have music on and i was like but talk about the dave me asking questions and then cashes in wild inland just pretending re enacting some scene in said not actually played a lot no it was exhausted by the end before bianca came back was having the first time in my life severe migrants that's weird wonder why brought that on never had that before that's that's a me thing i don't know right i'm having issues of our pile organization currently yeah what do you want what's wrong what is a see craping the same piles james underwear silas combining silas and cash this is why i don't help this is why he does laundry he has opinions about it and i just want to wipe my face off sitting here and doing a monotonous task okay being scheduling i developed a vari specific system when we're living in san francisco i would drive to laundramat make all of our clothes and do it all by myself once a week end just listen to podcast and stephen i think that's actually a really good to point out couples pointer is that may me take another look at the delegation of responsibilities and see if there's something another person would do with less ink and actually likes watching like programs or like you knowpodcast videos or whatever and so him the same task divided amongst both of us very different experience for me i'm like it's like a animal in a cage i just want to do something else and then it just kind of goes into his own and watches a show so like even though i'm very very grateful and i know it's so it's not ever fun to do laundry i feel like it's more painful for me than him and then there are other things that you know like cooking a meal or something like that that would be vice versa right yeah yeah outside of like growing or smoking something i don't lot of patients it's like fire like about smoking meat and stuff and sit in some beers and be outside and make a day out of it and just relax yeah yeah yeah now some people are like oh my gosh she does laundry like yes yeah i'm a full service bad yeah he said that there were times during the the two weeks where he was like i could be a stay yet wait never mind cases will come home in three minutes her i'm like yeah no gangway oh i think ultimately i in the plot twist i suffered the most in this experience i really did i thought that it would be the other way around but and actually i did find myself enjoying mornings and why why because i kind of brought me back to you're growing up blank football stuff was nostalgic for me well you're up early and all stuff and whatever it the day i did that for a real long time and then in college i would like sleep almost never and then like after college i was just like yeah i'm done with that forever and i had like the pressure of anxiety issues in college and my therapist at the time would explain to me how therapeutic morning light is between seven a m and ten a m and i really like since then i always to make a point to appreciate it when i was doing that every day on the drive something about being a part of the world like actually driving somewhere i love communing i worked example says everybody takes their qintanhave you made a point of being outside at seven a m i would never do it on my own but if i have a reason to be out there it is i can be enjoyable is basically i found a way to enjoy that also what i'm saying and as it also really made me miss going to having somewhere to go in the morning i hate working from home i hate it makes me crazy it's like really really nice things about it that are awesome like hanging out with silas and like the fact that we've been able to i've got my tread mill and the bike and stuff downstairs little weight at i really always enjoyed especially like when i had a drive to work in the morning enjoyed being part of the world and there's like an interview to it yeah yes this is fine for yeah i just kind of think i realized how much i missed having somewhere to be in the morning you set up your computer at my studio i'm strong enough i get the fire in here i need my machine hard wire again ah so i do dad i'm like please i watch him like a pacing and they sit outside and i'm like just take the trunk go somewhere and to this place begin to feel like a prison of responsibility it's in it off that always something i has given that and over all back to the two weeks of dead and around whose like i said very rewarding truly exhausting yes really appreciating single parents hm oh i'm like maybe they don't all need to be working three jobs we're just trying to get out of that it we are really really appreciating like the amount of effort an especially like the kids are older like when as scachusis age gonna be wild oh yeah and also in my head over and over again two as maximum number of children telling you there's a third but okay simply is i'm not even arguing with you i just know there is oh a to i called it it i mean also super grateful for the it's crazy as my does it get like working the turn job better than like the biggest reason for taking it was the schedule the flexibility of it really like is really painfully queer like season of our life like this is like the right thing for we be doing a right now it's clock folding laundry being a computer and folding this it like ten o'clock tonight yeah is short just and oh m oh yeah no really is there any surprises or whatever you thought my overall performance because we all know you know that up doing yeah i mean i basically had a never break down after five days you did double the time but i truly know no my gut response would be to be like why can i be more patient and calm but like i also very logically and rationally and objectively know how different they are when it's just me as well so i used to beat myself up over the action i'm not sure exactly why that is like just a mom thing you hear that all the time that the kid is so demanding like cash is pushed me one day i was almost in real danger where i got scared and mean that doesn't say anything or i just looked at him and he just shut it down no had a handful moments like that there is a tanchuber attitude or whatever to pull it together really quick really good at like when he gets worked up in life tell them take a breath oh really good but i think that's something that i don't know if it gets talked about enough is that when you think about the differences between responsibility and experiences between parents mothers and fathers whatever i think it's less about needing something to be equal and like a tit for tat type thing and this is how i do it is you do it and i think more talk around like your specific nervous system needs to be involved in the conversation like i remember when in the new born phase we each be like key if you feel like you're going to snap just wake me up no matter what even if it's your turn or whatever wake me up i think that there's even what i'm saying it's like i was impressed by how how well and you you know did what for two weeks is a long time but it's also understanding under what conditions each one of us thrive differently uh like like you will an how the boys are with you and how they react to you and you like implementing a schedule it supported what you were doing with them and how they react to that versus me when i'm with them trying to get them to bed and having the melt downs that happen uniquely to me when i'm trying to get them to bed and how that snowballs and yeah well with the mill downs and stuff i look at my watch silas would start melting down because they're so young i would give him fifteen minutes max plas putting catch us now if i couldn't get cashes down then i would go back and get silas bring silas downstairs really like tower childers and so i played tower childers on the t v m just live music performances sitting down and there single back up with cash and so start melting down again in the fifteen minutes would start over then because that because he's so young like you now have a abandonment thing and then cash starting over and then usually catches by like eight twenty something like fall asleep at least be in a state where he would stay in his room kind of came up with like a few things where i put all this dinasors along the pillow next to him and give all of them a kiss and then he would say the diansours were cold and i say we have to keep the covers on him and then he would like hug his dinasorsand keep the covers on him and he in the then he be in there talking to his dinasorsth an come down and get silas and then like doing upstairs rock for a few minutes i were talking about like it's not even it's it's different it's like your ability to implement that process or protocol berries very much depending on if i was doing it or you're doing it plus the fact that i feel like your nervous system is more stable than mine i think by the even just hearing me talk about it i wanted to run to the house like and i have both of them competing for my attention at once and then the dog star sparking like i feel like i could include i automatically start feeling like there's like raby monkeys inside of my chest that's what it feels like dogs like fri shadow just tripping over him at all times he had to be if he wasn't like next to me at all times you start baking yeah it's not very and so like w forty forty silas's door it's a now the door kind of lie because the house settled door fix it kind of closes by itself i mean finally getting catches to sleep i be they're going to consult yet silas or on his william avid when he could go to silas the door would close behind him and he couldn't get out and then he would just start barking and going crazy and he was like okay a oh i found all the kids socks on the image here's a pro parent tip only by your kids white socks chaos m yeah exhausted just talk plis conversation i don't know it exhausted me i don't know exhausted even hypothetically thinking and talking through these situations yeah season is there anything that you found appreciation in me when i was gone yeah yeah uh your ability to appreciate and enjoy time with them in the mornings because for me in the morning it was just like get him out here the second like he was up like a bit ismccar and miles and gouges in the car just like get him up we this is head of real sweet you had three pretty much three hours almost three hours added to your day every day that you wouldn't normally have had hm i'm up with him like at six yeah yeah and so maybe there's some days like oh my god be up at like today up at five are you coming to our room at like four o'clock and as like yeah i've slept very little as i fear ability tilly everything you need to do during the day it because because i was here usually like he wakes up like that he wants mommy no it's in can't get yourself down when your day starts and it's like you puzzle appreciate early you go to sleep instead of making fun of me ah you were liked out by like ten thirty nine th yeah he always makes fun of me for not being able to stay up to watch a movie in always wanted to watch the movies and stuff with me if she turns out she's asleep in like five tents and see why he when the kids go but earlier you have a little ox for more time for coming i did be in bed have lilly half hour of television i am hopeful of that because now we're kind of on similar schedules so and the time you wake up yeah i mean it was nice to have you come down a little bit earlier than you normally would um m oh yeah um i think that's also something that more moms in general need to hear that yeah i left for two weeks and everyone survived worried and then try to keep it cool every time you talked to me about in yours i really did want to enjoy yourself o god please please the last thing i said please make just an effort somewhere on the priority list o the things are going to be doing busier than you just make an effort to enjoy yourself have fun do something cool yeah smash cut to her petting in a toilet bowl maybe next time oh yeah i think that's another testament to like the idea if i can only have this then i'll abla like oh if i could only have peace and quiet then i'll be able to xloiz well i got it and it was a very different experience yeah that said you read to do it again at some point but the part of the plot to is her will be like when it's busier for you i mean it's a whether like now i oh how i did during crunch time i'm working p sixteen our days that's like a different i think that it's important to get out of your normal flow get like actually some distance physical distance from our life perspective and maybe new ideas on things that could checking up like i still don't feel like we take advantage of the freedom we have in our schedule like we just get really like in cycle of like pull back and forth like responsibilities and i don't think instead of going streak of work or watching t v like going for a walk before the workday starts or whatever just there are things that were definitely not an option when i had a specific time to be at a specific place monday through friday like traditional oh it's not even in the question and i made me realize how often i don't do stuff just for the joy of it even though i totally can hm just you have to make time for it and do it you know like you talk about wanting to get out have to practically drag you so for a while i know what is that it's like no the sooner i started my work day because i have fuxhours soon i canna be done and i do you make more effort tis starting to day because really what's the point of being able to be done that early if the day is gone and you can't do anything with it anyway you know yeah that's right sile well she said oh m yes oh good days e be a packer to night no no no no no no no no no get in you're crazy i think it also was high lighted how much we take for granted each other as people hm oh well that's a like it's so easy to get overwhelmed day to day and you know people who ask me like you know how you doing hosbiaco like you're okay the two weeks like a i'm like she misses the kids she misses me like it really is important to take the time to miss your family yeah and i said that to a friend of mine's mom she said he kind of just like emphasized like she just wished she would have known that coming to that she agreed and wish she had come to that realization sooner and that's also something that my mom had yeah expressed to me as well as you do get so caught up and you know to day life especially like working from home and all that stuff but you don't have any separation and it's like all consuming you get an auto pilot mode no like this last the air had you know a couple of trips with some buddies for like bachelor party stuff and been able to get away and like really like really miss hearing voices and stuff and like be able to face time on the you can't wait to see him hard as it is it's really refreshing you know because they're always in your phrase jumping on your climate on and all stuff and yo'rejust like please get away from me oh yeah oh no no he's so mad he said look at oh no yeah okay laundries thank you for your help hm oh you may see my pig of refreshing no i now becomes the beast yeah i'll say i'm so impressed and grateful for how graceful he handled the whole thing but then that first night i came back he had gone out to a game and i was like okay here i go following his schedule that works so selimically for him and immediately as just getting that as just stay in there and this one screaming downstairs dogs barking to go out and like a h h hi just different worlds a different world yeah yeah oh no yeah ye i think the moral of the story is i take some time to miss your family step out of your life so you can see it more clearly ah i think that's the thing to do is that it's not just the idea of giving yourself a chance to miss them but i think more importantly it's being able to take the space so that you can see your life more clearly okay i think this episode is over he's walking upstairs with the laundry baskets kind of hilarious because yeah yeah we finally have a laundry room that's on the same floor as the bedrooms yet we bring the laundry downstairs so that we can watch t v it's a laundry and men don't have to bring them back up again yeah in conclusion ah we love and missed you very very much i to sound like but do sad definitely sat when a four year old saying mammy's gone mommy ran away that's for sure oh so i think it was hardest on me then cash then you en slily ily gonna give a book it keeps really just rolls up an yes i yeah i guess that's a thing anything else felt like this is very very eventful chap thank i wasn't riveting i mean ye i think that it's encouraging and empowering to hear it can be done you know with whatever the circumstances m i just think it's important to different everyone's experience is of the same exact thing i think about that all the time like for instance when i talk about i think about cupola think about how when we both think of to put lay both think of such different experiences you get the hottest sauce i don't you mix it around like sludge in like a stew i keep it separate like the same thing but when we both think about what is that experience going to be like you very different ideas think about that in san francisco because there as so many people so many landmarks and things you end up having this like very specific personal relationship with like then a wind mark or a place in the city and everyone is as different moments and things that happen don't happen there it's like the palace of fine arts like walking the dog there like time i spent there really had every it give it and i didn't rememoryeah you know every i could walk that whole park like my eyes like totally black yeah i just like dip in the grass i know and it's like very personal but also like very different public so many people that were just hang out their all the time yeah yeah i don't know the kids like um m uh yeah the way they act each of us so different like we'll be totally fine come downstairs enter the room and all of a sudden there like i mean and it's also sweet too because you know it comes from a very instinctual like vulnerable place for them so it's not that i'm like but also leg yeah yeah as much as you don't like it though it's really lucky that you get to see that yeah m right thing else left out about the experience of boding from your family but yeah yeah less has been watching beating the beast on you we hold it close m oh yeah okay that's all she wrote thanks for joining us folding laundry re hashing traumatic two weeks and liberating exhausting two weeks ah proud of myself proof kids a great job one line okay we say very a because i probably won't do two weeks only one week to two ex lot